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AFTER an inquest ruled that bullying was not a factor in her daughter’s death, Nicola Harteveld opens up about her loss.
When Nicola Harteveld’s teenage daughter took her own life, it was like a “grenade” had gone off in her life.
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But worse was to come when Megan’s friends told a stunned Nicola that the 14-year-old had been bullied at school and online.
Her tormentors had even set up a Facebook group “I Hate Megan Evans” and sent vile Snapchat messages telling her to “go kill yourself”.
While Nicola was certain cyber-bullying was partly to blame for Megan’s death in 2017, last week — to her astonishment — a coroner ruled the taunts were just “banter” and said other factors contributed to her death.
‘Banter’ is defined as joking around. Telling a young girl to kill herself is the opposite of that
Nicola
“We’ve been completely blindsided,” says Nicola, 48, from Milford Haven, Pembrokeshire.
“I was transported right back to the moment she died. It was like we lost her all over again.
“To brush aside the cruel words directed at her as ‘banter’ sends a terrifying message.
“This sort of language cannot be normalised and downplayed. Words can hurt and even kill.
“‘Banter’ is defined as joking around. Telling a young girl to kill herself is the opposite of that.”
Nicola and long-term partner Shaun Evans, 49, have eight children together and Megan was the second oldest.
“She was beautiful, funny and kind, with a talent for art and hockey,” says Nicola.
“She was also so empathetic, probably to her detriment. She cared about everybody.
‘She was distressed but school didn’t take it seriously enough’
“Of course, there were times when she was moody and sad, but I put it down to her hormones.”
There had been some problems at Milford Haven School since Megan moved into Year Nine and she had clashed with teachers over her uniform in the months leading up to her taking her own life.
“I was getting phone calls all the time about the fit of her trousers, which staff said were too tight, despite them being part of the Next school uniform range,” says Nicola.
“I knew she felt persecuted.
“I could also see she wasn’t eating properly, which I put down to the stress of it all.
“Staff were too focused on what she was wearing and not on the abuse it turned out she was getting from other pupils.
“There was one occasion when a boy shared a picture of her holding a vape and it led to lots of name calling, along with the Facebook hate groups. I don’t know the names used but I think Megan was upset about them making a fuss and worried she would be in trouble.”
“She was very distressed but I don’t think the school took it seriously enough.
“I went there, and also made calls to them, but they didn’t tell me about some of the bullying incidents.
“The fact she was suffering in silence and hiding her pain behind a smile makes it even more heartbreaking.”
Neither her family nor her close friends saw signs Megan was considering taking her own life the night her parents left their four oldest children at home while they took the younger four to Cardiff.
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Earlier that day Megan had attended a meeting about a school trip to France and seemed in good spirits.
But at 10pm, Megan’s older brother Morgan, now 23 raised the alarm that she was missing, before finding her body in a bathroom at home.
Megan had barricaded the door but did not leave a note.
Paramedics were unable to revive her.
“It was like a grenade had gone off and obliterated everything that had been normal,” says Nicola, “I didn’t know what to think or who to turn to.
“I couldn’t understand why she had done this.”
It was common knowledge among her peers that she’d received messages telling her to ‘die’ and there were arguments with one particular girl
Nicola
The police took Megan’s phone but her devastated friends contacted Nicola immediately to detail the abuse she had been subjected to online.
“I’d been naive about her social media use,” says Nicola.
“She had an old iPhone and I tried to regulate her access but it was hard. I didn’t realise she’d been online at night, not sleeping.
“It was common knowledge among her peers that she’d received messages telling her to ‘die’ and there were arguments with one particular girl. Megan had saved these on her phone and when the coroner saw them later, he believed she had been ‘holding her own’, so wasn’t affected.
“That made no sense to me. She was sticking up for herself but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t hurting.”
It took nearly eight years for an inquest to take place, with Nicola having to spend four hours giving evidence.
“I felt like a criminal, not a grieving parent,” she says.
“We were just trying to find out the facts behind Megan’s death.”
At the five-day hearing last month, school staff insisted she had not been targeted unfairly and that they had robust anti-bullying and safeguarding policies.
Nicola Evans, who was a pastoral assistant at the school at the time, said restorative practices had taken place between Megan and other students.
She also said Megan seemed “happy with the outcome” after a fellow student was told to delete the smoking photo, but they did not inform her family because “I thought maybe Megan wouldn’t want her parents to know.”
‘Stamped over her legacy’
After reviewing the evidence, acting senior coroner Paul Bennett concluded that phrases such as “go kill yourself” were in “regular use” online and that young people had “different perceptions of bullying”.
“What may be bullying to one could be banter to another,” he said at the Coroner’s Court at Pembrokeshire County Hall in Haverfordwest.
In his summary, he said he believed the “key issue upsetting Megan” was her boyfriend’s alleged relationship with another girl, which led to arguments with other children.
She was also believed to be concerned about her father’s neurological illness.
“It is, however, impossible to be certain what drove her to take the steps she did,” he concluded.
Nicola says she tried not to think about the teenagers who subjected her daughter to taunts.
“I didn’t give them space in my head,” she says. At the end of the day, they were children as well and we never wanted to blame one specific person.
“But with that one word ‘banter’, the coroner took the positive legacy we’ve built in memory of Megan and stamped all over it.
“I believe he took a tunnel-vision approach to what bullying is.”
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Since her daughter’s death, Nicola has thrown herself into raising awareness of youth mental health and the dangers of online bullying.
She set up the charity Megan’s Starr Foundation, which provides free counselling and support to young people in Pembrokeshire.
Nicola also quit her career in hospitality to take a part-time degree in psychology and home educate children, Max, now 21, Molly, 19, Myles, 18, Mitchel, 16, Marley, 14 and Monty, 13.
They did not feel able to return to school after Megan’s death.
“I would study at night when the kids went to bed, which stopped me being alone with my thoughts,” Nicola says.
“I couldn’t let this destroy me and if I spiralled, I knew my seven children would suffer too.”
Nicola now wants parents and schools to focus on educating young people about the power of words and to model respectful behaviour themselves.
“I think social media has desensitised us,” she says. “I’m standing up for Megan and every other child suffering this abuse.”
- For confidential support, contact the Samaritans free on 116 123, or visit samaritans.org to find your nearest branch. Find out more about Nicola’s work at megansstarr.com.
You’re Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
