Stevie Stanford, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist at Driftwood Recovery in Texas, outlined the following key reminders when approaching conversations about sex.
- The “sex talk” isn’t a one-and-done conversation. “Make sure they know that you are open to questions anytime they come up. And make sure the conversation continues to develop as they mature — so they grow into adults that feel comfortable having conversations about sex with future partners.”
- Avoid associating shame with sex: If you’re embarrassed when you’re talking to your kids about sex, your kids are likely also going to feel embarrassed. “So many people have shame around sex, and it feels taboo to broach the topic. We need to change this culture and make sex a topic that is easier to talk about for everyone,” Stanford said.
- The “sex talk” shouldn’t just involve talking about sex: “It’s important to make sure to discuss consent, respect, pleasure and communication. Explain to them that it’s important the consent is not only mutual but enthusiastic. I like the mantra ‘The only consent is enthusiastic consent.’”
If you are like me and you engaged in risky sexual behavior, you might feel one of two ways: Some parents feel they want to hide their past out of shame, embarrassment or fear that they’ll come across as a hypocrite. Other parents might want to share their story because they want to impart a lesson.
“If a parent had a traumatic experience with sex or sexual activity, I’d suggest that person gets properly healed before embarking on a discussion about that experience with anyone besides a therapist,” Dr. Uchenna Umeh, a pediatrician also known as Dr. Lulu, told HuffPost. “Parents should not avoid sharing devastating or traumatic aspects of their pasts in an attempt to protect or shield their children. Rather, get the needed help for your healing and then… create a teaching moment.”
Umeh suggests the following conversation model when sharing any type of teaching moment with your children: “What worked (WW), what didn’t work (WDW), what you’d do differently (WDD).”
If your child is part of the LGBTQ+ community, it’s important to “seek counsel, preferably, from someone who themselves are in healthy queer relationships” if you are not part of the community, Umeh said. “The crucial thing here again is to avoid negativity, shame, blame or guilting when sharing information with your child.”
“There is no one right way to ask questions and share information,” added Dr. Michelle Forcier, a clinician at Folx Health in Boston. Forcier, a pediatrician, said parents should ask themselves: “What does my child need? What can my child handle and manage? What is best for this child at this time?”
The resounding message from each expert was that conversations about sex with your preteens and teens should be ongoing and as low-stress and conversational as possible. When it comes to my own experiences with risky sex, these past experiences actually matter a lot less than I thought. If my kids are curious about my past, we can discuss it in age-appropriate and generalized ways, but our conversations should be attuned to their own needs and interests.
“Be curious and let your child or teen tell you what they know, what they want to know and what they are worried or excited about,” Forcier said.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
