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WE’VE all known for quite some time that the NHS doesn’t work.
You’ve got health centres full of GPs who, because they only have schoolboy French, can’t understand what the patient, recently arrived from Somalia, is saying.
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Any more than he could get to grips with exactly what was wrong with the previous patient, who was from Afghanistan.
This means people don’t even bother going to the health centre any more.
The queues are too long. So they go instead to A and E, where the queues are even longer.
Meanwhile, we read stories about old men lying in their gardens, after a stroke, for 15 hours because no ambulance is available.
READ MORE FROM JEREMY CLARKSON
And people with a year to live being told they can’t have their operation until 2027.
The NHS was fine when the limits of medical science extended no further than aspirins and bandages, but it simply can’t provide cancer treatment, heart transplants and gender realignment operations, willy nilly, for everyone, for ever.
There isn’t enough money in the world for that.
Today though, Sir Starmer is in charge and he reckons that many of these problems could be solved if there was a ban on junk food adverts on television before the 9pm watershed.
What century is this man living in?
Yes, there was a time when kids all sat around watching Magpie and there was no way to fast forward through the commercial break.
But it’s not like that any more. Look at what’s on the commercial television stations in the early evening these days.
Coronation Street. Cape Verde with Jane McDonald. In For A Penny with Stephen Mulhern. How many kids are watching these shows?
I’m going to guess it’s about none.
Lessons in wiping out bottoms
So all a ban on junk food commercials will do is cut down the advertising revenue stream. That won’t help the NHS but it will screw ITV.
And then we have to consider what the Government means when it says “junk food”.
Hi kids. We’re not doing reading and writing this morning. We are all going to clean our teeth.
Meat? With Starmer’s lot, that’s not such a silly suggestion.
I mean, this is a man who thinks “supervised toothbrushing” would also help the NHS.
It probably would. But who’s going to do the supervising?
And where? In shopping malls? At cinemas? In schools? “Hi kids. We’re not doing reading and writing this morning. We are all going to clean our teeth.
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“And then this afternoon, instead of maths, we shall all learn how to wipe our bottoms.”
Starmer’s proposals will not really help the NHS because he’s just nibbling at the edge of the issue.
And nor will it make much difference if he takes a leaf out of Hitler’s book and makes us all do star jumps on the North Sea coast every morning.
It’s been suggested.
What will make a difference is to accept that the NHS employs more people than the Indian railways.
But only around half are medically qualified. What do all the others do? Find the answer to that and you’re on your way to making a difference.
Not eating a KitKat? Maybe less so.
Who should be on the school curriculum?
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A SUCCESSFUL and much respected author called Malorie Blackman announced this week that children from diverse backgrounds would be more inclined to read books if the author was “a person of colour”.
Really? I read a lot of books and to be honest, I never have the faintest inkling of what colour the author is.
However, I agree with Ms Blackman that we should do everything in our power to encourage children to read.
Which is why I’d take Shakespeare, Milton, Donne, Chaucer and all the other historical dullards off the curriculum, and replace them with some Jack Reacher.
Small boat blank
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ITALY is making serious headway with the problem of illegal immigration.
They have done deals with North African countries, paying cash money to states like Libya and Tunisia, for them to beef up border security and stop the small boats before they reach international waters.
It’s been so successful that the numbers arriving in small boats on Italy’s southern coast have fallen by a whopping 62 per cent. Migrant crossings from Tunisia are down by 80 per cent.
So next week, Sir Starmer is heading to Rome for talks with Italian PM Giorgia Meloni to see if Britain could learn any lessons.
I doubt it mate. Because the small boats arriving in Britain are not setting out from North Africa. They’re coming from France.
And we can’t give them money because we’ve spent it already on the train drivers.
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SO, poor old Kenneth Cope, who played the ghostly Hopkirk in Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased), now is.
Chump Trump
DONALD TRUMP was in hot water again this week after he said immigrants were eating dogs and cats.
I know what’s happened here. He’s read a story about how one immigrant once ate one dog and then he’s used exaggeration and hyperbole to make a point that immigration levels need to be cut.
Now that’s fine if you are a newspaper columnist or a TV presenter or a comedian. Exaggeration and hyperbole are necessary to make a point or a joke.
But when you are standing for President, and your remarks are taken out of context, which they will be, you look foolish.
Wrong on gift rules
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WE were told this week by our glorious new government that Ukraine was invaded illegally and must be given certain weapons to defend itself.
Which is odd because just last week, the Foreign Secretary David Lammy said that Israel, which was also invaded illegally, could not have certain British weapons to defend itself.
Anyway, back to Ukraine. Apparently we will give them weapons, but they will come with strict instructions about how and where they can be used.
You don’t get that when you buy a car. Toyota doesn’t say, “You can’t use this on the M3 and you mustn’t go to Birmingham in it.” It’s yours. You can do what you want with it.
You could argue, I suppose, the weapons we’re handing over are gifts and that we have a right to make some rules.
But someone gave me a bottle of wine last week and never said, “Only eat this with lamb and don’t drink it all at once.”
That’s not how the world works.
DAME Diana Johnson, who is the policing minister, told a conference of senior policemen and policeman women this week that the UK had been gripped by an epidemic of theft and shoplifting.
And when she sat down she discovered someone had nicked her purse.
Bahahahahahaha.
STATISTICALLY speaking, we are in for a cold winter this year, which is bad news for the 10million pensioners who won’t be getting any government money to help pay their heating bills.
So I have a tip. If you are worried about staying warm as the nights draw in, simply get sent to prison. There’s lots of space in there now all the burglars and stabbists have been released.
I was going to say that all you need do is a bit of shoplifting, but that’s not considered a crime these days, so you won’t get caught.
Instead then, just say on Twitter that you admire Winston Churchill. That’ll get you six months and when you come out it’ll be spring.
