Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but for some people, it can be the gateway to a long-lasting, expansive love.
Jessica and Joseph Daylover, both 38, are a married polyamorous couple who shared their experience of polyamory, parenting and love with Newsweek. Their current polycule—or, group of practicing polyamorous partners—consists of the couple, along with “Sis,” 31, who travels for work, but lives with the pair when on the West Coast, and “Dr. M,” 39. Due to privacy concerns, “Sis” and “Dr. M” are pseudonyms.
Jessica and Joseph have been together for 14 years, married for 10, and have been practicing polyamory for a decade—that is, a relationship structure which involves the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner with everyone’s informed consent.
Photo-illustration by Newsweek
How the Couple Became Polyamorous
Jessica discovered she was polyamorous shortly before her wedding to Joseph.
“I told my husband I believed I was polyamorous after discovering it was a thing a few months before we were married,” she said. “He was scared, but not at all surprised.”
Jessica said the couple initially struggled due to a lack of mentors and social scripts, but eventually built mutual emotional intelligence and communication skills.
Their current polycule formed when Joseph started dating “Sis” in 2022, and Jessica began a relationship with “Dr. M” in January 2023. The four adults, along with Jessica and Joseph’s two children, aged 6 and 3, live together. “Sis” moved across the country to support the family with their child, while “Dr. M” joined the household due to coinciding housing needs.
The Polyamorous Couple’s Rules and Boundaries
The Daylovers practice “kitchen table polyamory,” a type of communication which means everyone “enjoy[s] hanging out and having friendships with each other, and generally being ‘in the know’ about what’s going on in our partners’ lives outside of our direct relationship,” Jessica said.
The foundational principle of their polycule, they said, is nonviolent communication, which prioritizes honest and empathetic communication.
“We take responsibility for our own needs and feelings and express them to our partners lovingly,” Jessica said. “It’s a wonder what a group of folks with great communication skills and a genuine love for each other can achieve.”
As a person who is “naturally very flirty,” Jessica said she is not one for very stringent boundaries. She said she has always been polyamorous by orientation, even if not by practice, and never saw any reason to not be affectionate with friends and loved ones.
The Hardest Part of Their Relationship
Jessica and Joseph face an inherent challenge to their non-hierarchal polyamorous practice: being the primary parents of children.
“The inherent hierarchy of being a married couple with kids is hard at times. In principle, we want to dismantle any hierarchy or ‘couple’s privilege’ that my husband and I carry, but having kids in the picture creates ‘descriptive hierarchy’ that can be difficult,” Jessica said.
“For example, if we didn’t have kids, my husband would likely travel more with his other partner when they travel for work. A lot of decisions get made financially too that would be different if we didn’t have kids.”
Even so, Jessica and Joseph’s polycule are involved in their parenting as much as possible. “Sis” acts as a stepmother and “Dr. M” as a blend of a “fun uncle and stepdad.”
“‘Dr. M’ also maintains his autonomy with regard to his time and resources, but is extremely involved in the kids’ life,” Jessica said. “He taught them to ride bikes, he comes to school conferences. It’s really cute and wholesome, and I’m so grateful for this family we’ve built.”
Despite the challenges—which Jessica said include grappling with multiple, intersecting marginalizations—the couple and their polycule have a supportive bubble around them. So much so, that they’ve forgotten how much of the world might view their relationship structure negatively, Jessica said. Still, this supportive bubble is both a privilege and necessity.
“Anyone who isn’t supportive is not in our orbit,” she said.
Is It Right for You?
While it’s not for everyone, even just knowing about the existence of polyamorous relationships may help people find language for their feelings. Jessica said it’s important to realize these feelings are valid.
“My advice would first of all be to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you,” she said. “It can be scary and painful when you start to deviate from the one script a majority of us have been given on relationships here in the West, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with being polyamorous or poly-curious.”
Jessica advised the consumption of diverse polyamorous education and content—from podcasts, to books, to social media—to discover what resonates.
Beyond that, though, there is the bigger task of refining emotional intelligence and communication skills.
“For polyamory to work, you will need to be very aware of what you are feeling, how to derive ‘needs’ from those feelings, and how to communicate those needs in the form of requests to your partner(s),” Jessica said.
Then, with work and dedication, you’re on the road to a healthy polyamorous situation—and, according to Jessica and Joseph, it’s well worth it.
