Hi! My name is Abby, and I have a confession to make: I’m one of those rare few who didn’t grow up watching Christmas movies. Sure, I saw my fair share of Christmas-themed episodes of Disney Channel shows, but that’s about it.
I’ll be the first to say it: since every non-Jew worships Christmas movies — especially the ones from the ’90s and ’00s — it’s a bit WRONG that I’ve gone my entire life not watching them. My FOMO has reached new heights, and I can’t stand it anymore.
I figure, so what if I’m one hundred percent Jewish and can’t relate to that Christmas sentiment? Who cares that I spent my childhood wishing Santa would just make a liiiiittle exception for me, only to be let down every year? So what if I use Christmas as an annual excuse to do absolutely nothing and, TBH, wouldn’t have it any other way? I don’t care that I lack the connection to Christmas. I’m gonna immerse myself in those holly jolly vibes all you people can’t stop raving about.
Soooo, with the help of my coworkers and friends who are experts on Christmas pop culture, I hand-selected 9 of the most popular Christmas movies — the ones that fill everyone with nostalgia and warmth. And I’m gonna rate them with 100% honesty!
1.
Of course, I had to start off with How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I was given specific instructions to watch the Jim Carrey version — which, by the way, I still don’t believe THAT’S Jim Carrey. And I was also shocked this was a MUSICAL?!? How was I so unaware of that?!
Now, for my review. I think this might just be a ‘nostalgia factor’ movie for people? It just didn’t hit. The story is cute enough, and Cindy Lou Who is adorable — plus, the Grinch is pretty hilarious — but this was nothing special to me. And side note, this definitely would’ve given me nightmares as a kid.
2.
Even though I hate romance movies, I bit the bullet and watched Love Actually next. There’s always so much buzz around this movie, I had to see for myself what the fuss is all about.
Overall, I liked the concept of Love Actually, but parts are actually really problematic. Like, that famous scene with the cards? Hated that storyline. My favourite storyline was by far the one with Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, and the necklace. That one is TEA, and genuinely super well done! The others are kinda forgettable. This movie is definitely unique, though, and I see why people love it!
3.
I’ve been dying to watch Home Alone ever since I learned Macaulay Culkin and Brenda Song are together. That, and I’d estimate that it’s the most popular Christmas movie ever, at least among millennials. So I was especially eager to see if THIS one is worth the hype.
My first thought? These parents are AWFUL. I love you, Catherine O’Hara, but WTF, girl?!?! I also have to say, I was obsessed with the vibes of this movie — their house is adorable, the score is exceptional (I see you, John Williams), and it just radiates coziness. Macaulay Culkin MAKES this movie, and Kevin is the smartest child I’ve ever seen. I get the hype. I 100% see it.
4.
After that, my boss told me to watch Home Alone 2. And, you know, can’t say no to your boss — plus, I did love the first Home Alone, so I thought I’d give the second one a try. I was verrrrry enticed by the setting of this one, because I’m a NYC girl at heart.
AS IF THESE PARENTS COULDN’T GET ANY WORSE???? I’m still angered just thinking about it — how do you lose your kid TWICE? And uh, why did nobody tell me DONALD TRUMP IS IN THIS??? That was a jumpscare I was not prepared for. But all that aside, Home Alone 2 isn’t bad! I kinda got bored by the end, but it gives the same positive vibes the first movie does. Plus, the New York of it all is awesome.
5.
Elf was next. I love Will Ferrell, so this one was particularly exciting…how can I say I’m a Will Ferrell fan without seeing Elf? People quote this movie ALLLLL the time, and it’s become way too embarrassing not being able to join in.
Guys…this was the funniest movie I’ve seen in awhile. Buddy goes on the list of best movie characters of ALL TIME in my books. I was pretty shook and confused to see blonde Zooey Deschanel (but her voice IS great). I’m also a huge Peter Dinklage fan, and I cringed so hard during *that* scene with him and Buddy. Lastly, sorry if this is gross, but why does that sugary pasta actually look kinda good? What’s wrong with me that I feel like I’d actually enjoy it?
6.
I’d never heard of Christmas with the Kranks before, but once I looked up the cast, I knew I had to watch it. Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd, Lynette from Desperate Housewives, Shelby from A Cinderella Story…and most importantly, DEWEY from Malcolm in the Middle?!?! And the plot is not only super fun, but also relatable as a person who doesn’t celebrate Christmas.
Now, my review. This movie low-key makes Christmas seem stressful — the neighbours are extremely needy. I’m gonna just assume it isn’t like that IRL. I genuinely laughed out loud during the tanning salon scene, and the entire storyline is really hilarious. I wasn’t sure how it was gonna end, but I LOVED the ending!!!! It’s so cute and wholesome!!!
7.
I’ve heard soooo much about A Christmas Story. It’s a classic, ya know? Other than the gun and leg lamp, I knew nothing about this movie going in. And boy, do I have thoughts on this one…
I’m gonna guess it’s the nostalgia that makes this movie so popular, because it was a miss for me. It was one of the slowest movies I’ve seen in a long time…this could be my brain rot talking, but what was even the plot?! I felt so bad for the mother, too — patriarchy at its finest. And, uhh, are we gonna talk about how “the entire neighbourhood was turned on” BY A LAMP??? AND THIS IS A KIDS’ MOVIE???
8.
I was gonna stick to nostalgic movies, but I was too intrigued by Our Little Secret, the new Netflix romcom with Lindsay Lohan and Ezra Fitz (whose real name is Ian Harding, but he’ll always be Mr. Fitz to me). They were NOT the combo I thought I’d ever get, and I was kind of dying to see it play out. Plus, if I wasn’t already sold on watching it, there’s Kristin Chenoweth.
This movie is a perfect example of why I have such a big problem with many romance movies. They’re just implausible. Like, who just sends their PARTNERS to get a tree on their own?!?!? It’s weird AF, and would never happen in real life. So I apologize, but this was sort of bad. The only part I loved was the high scene…and the fact that Carla from Scrubs and Mr. Duvall from Mean Girls were a couple.
9.
The last movie I chose to watch was The Santa Clause. Again, I hadn’t heard anything about this before it was recommended to me, so I went in totally blind. And boy, was it a wild ride.
FINALLY, A Christmas movie that starts ON Christmas!!!! I’m sick of waiting the whole movie to get to Christmas. This movie taught me that the secret to a good Christmas movie is an adorable kid — because wow, this kid is CUUUUUTE, and his bowl cut is EVERYTHING. The plot takes an absolutely wild turn, too. The Santa Clause is cute and funny and original, but sort of like…what is going on?
With my movie marathon all complete, it’s time to reveal my favourite and least favourite — which shouldn’t be a surprise if you’ve paid attention to my ratings. My favourite is Elf, followed by Home Alone, and my least favourite is A Christmas Story.
And my opinion on Christmas movies in general? I definitely GET IT now. I can imagine these movies making people super excited for the holidays, and nostalgic for a cozy Christmas at home. Even though I can’t appreciate the full extent of those feelings, I get the vibe! Ya know?
What’s your favourite Christmas movie of all time? And do you agree with my ratings? Tell me in the comments below. But be nice, of course 😊
